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It's me again— with secrets from my past.
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I have never been a person who likes to be noticed, so it has been hard for me to make myself known—as authors must.
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I was middle-aged the first time I admitted I was a writer. It happened during a women's group discussion when we were asked to share something about ourselves that no one else knew.
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At the time, I hadn't dedicated myself to writing. I hadn't published anything or joined a writers' group. But I had the itch. I scribbled notes, began stories I never finished, and filled notebooks with ideas. Looking back, writing wasn't just a hobby. It was an addiction.
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I was embarrassed to call myself a writer. The word seemed to require public validation. I taught literature—how could I place myself in the same category as the authors I admired?
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Even now, after twenty-plus books and good reviews, that old uncertainty hasn’t entirely disappeared.
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I've heard many writers describe themselves as shy, and I know what they mean. We spend a great deal of time in our own heads—thinking, imagining, asking "what if?" Even if I weren't writing, I'd still be doing those things. Writing simply gives all that thinking somewhere to go.
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When I joined an online critique group, I had an anonymous screen name, as everyone did. It felt safe.
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When I was ready to publish, it was hard to admit publicly that I had stories I hoped others would read and enjoy.
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It was hard to put my name on my first book cover. The designer wanted to put my name at the top. To me, that was where famous authors belonged. I wanted my name buried. (It still appears at the bottom.)
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I worried about what friends and acquaintances would think. Would they laugh? Would they quietly wonder who I thought I was?
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Creating anything for public view requires a certain amount of courage. Writers, musicians, artists, actors—eventually we all must let go of our work and trust someone else to receive it.
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I liked my stories, but I had no sense of their potential worth to others. Even the critique group did not instill that confidence. People in that group did not say, “This is very good” or “Readers will love this.” Instead (and appropriately so) we commented on what “worked” and what needed improvement.
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Because I chose to publish independently—something Amazon had made possible—I also missed the reassurance of an agent or publisher saying, “Yes, this is worth putting into the world.”
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One of the hardest things about writing is that we’re poor judges of our own work. We live with a story for so long that we lose any objective sense of whether it succeeds or not. Most writers in the critique group suffered from what we called POS Syndrome. (This is a “piece of s_ _ _.”) With that kind of thinking, it’s often hard to start the next chapter—or the next book.
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There was a saying at the time: “Pull up your big-girl panties,” meaning “Grow up and get on with it.” So I did.
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Over the years I’ve done everything necessary to become “visible”, doing podcasts and book talks, creating a website and social media author pages. In other words—promoting myself. I would be much more comfortable promoting someone else.
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So if you’ve ever read one of my books, borrowed one from the library, recommended one to a friend, or simply opened one of these newsletters, thank you.
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You may think you’re just reading a story. But every time you read one, recommend one, or write to tell me you enjoyed it, you make it a little easier for a shy writer to keep putting her name on the cover.
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Here I am with my first Mac computer - the "little Mac", early 1980s.
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I got nowhere until computerization gave me word processing. That's because I'm a compulsive editor, and I rewrite every sentence as I go, often more than once.
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Before I had word processing, almost every word on a type or handwritten page would be crossed out.
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Without it, I would not have finished anything.
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Thanks for reading!
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You received this email because you signed up to my newsletter. Feel free to contact me at www.carolervin.com
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Thanks for reading, and thanks for your ratings and reviews!
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